In-laws issues draw the most jokes in any continent of the world. There are in-laws problems in every human race; some cultures might be more severe than others. Contrary to popular opinions, In-laws are not devil’s incarnate, they are actually nice people with the best of intentions (one day we will all become in-laws, if you are not one already) but with wrong approach and rigid culture to back them up.

This weekend my wife and I watched “guess who” (a comedy by Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher), in this movie Bernie Mac who is the father-in-law to be of Aston Kutcher, did everything to break up his daughter and her fiancé, including sleeping in the same bed with the guy in the basement of the home. The interesting part of the movie to me was the narration by the director, that the part were Bernie slept in the same bed with his son-in-law to be in the basement of his home was actually a true story in the Mac Family with his real daughter.

Potential son or daughter in-laws need to know that they would never be good enough for someone’s daughter or son.

Unrealistic Expectations

Like Bernie Mac many parents don’t think any guy or gal is good enough for their daughter or son, so they paint this ideal picture of who their little “prince” or “princess” should marry. Most times this picture is painted with the mindset of the person taking care of their child and sometimes it is from what they lacked in their marriage. An ideal guy, is a doctor (or other professional), tall and handsome, very respectful, and comes around so he can play dominos with the family, while the ideal girl is also a professional, very beautiful, respect her mother-in-law and lets her have all her wishes etc.

When kids don’t bring home the ideal woman or man (by the parents standard), then the foundation of in-law problem is laid. Many Nigerian parents are now facing serious issues with their kids bringing home, white-folks, Caribbean’s (Jamaican etc), even if these people are Christians and they love God, because the expectations are not met, the parents never really open up to this new son or daughter in-law because he/she never met expectations that he/she has nothing to do about it and can probably never attain.

Many parents would probably not openly say this but they are fearful on their child’s wedding day, because that child is marrying someone they consider less in status or do not have the pedigree they want for their child. The Clintons are perfect examples of this, Hillary came from a conservative, upper middle class home, while Bill does not even know his dad and grew up in an alcoholic home (statistically a recipe for failure - basically a disaster waiting to happen), and he was not an ideal husband for Hillary from the perspective of the Rodhams.

I realize that it is everyone’s desire (mine too) that my kids marry someone from my country (Nigeria or whatever your country is), but I’m not going to hold my breath on that or refuse them my blessing if they bring home a Japanese. I would however, hold out or not give my blessing if they do not meet the requirement set by God (I’m just following Gods instruction on what to do), which is a “born-again believer” (see “choosing who to marry” article) and “someone of the opposite sex”

Not knowing when to let go

I have two boys (9 and 5 years old) that I love to death and I have demonstrated my love to them even in my career choice, because I’d rather be home with them for soccer and birthdays etc, than be a corporate gallivants. However, my wife and I realize that those wonderful kids are a gift from God that has been entrusted to us for a short while and at some point, our role switches from parenting to advisory. The Bible is very clear that our switch from parent to advisor happens at their wedding (when the priest say “who gives this woman away, and you say I do or the mother and I”), the process however, starts long before then. As parent we are stewards. It is okay to love our kids but at some point in their lives, what we say to them no longer become the “final”. Telling your married daughter or son what to do, instead of advising (and living with it, if they don’t take your advise) would bring lots of problem.

Another problem of not letting go is the clash between the new guy and the in-laws. In my experience as a counselor and personally, I have discovered that newly married men are like a lion who has just taken over a kingdom. A lion’s kingdom is composed of one adult male, about four lionesses and cubs, as soon as the cubs become a young lion, the lion drives him away. These young lions would now wonder in the wilderness until they find a kingdom with an ageing lion, they then engage in a battle, if they win, they then take over the kingdom. The first thing a lion does when he takes over a kingdom is he “urinates” (marks his territory) around trees within a certain radius, indicating he is the new “man” on the block. Just like lions, newly wed men, want the in-laws to hands off their daughter, he doesn’t want you to buy your daughter clothes, or food or anything, because it is an indication that he cannot take care of your daughter. If he needs help he’ll seek it from you, do your best not to offer it, just let them know you are available to help without condition.

I use to object to my mother-in-law buying clothes for my wife as newly wed because I was marking my territory then, today 13 years after, my territory is already marked and I not only welcome the clothes, I usually would ask for mine.

When your son or daughter marries, it is natural that they’ll have conflicts with there new husband or wife. When such disagreement occur and your child comes to you because you are very close to them, my advise is that you refer them to a counselor or their church pastor or mosque Imam, because whatever they say about these new person to you would influence how you view this person.

Culture

Many world cultures contribute to the in-law problems. In most part of Africa like in other communal societies, marriage is between two families, and in western societies, marriage is between two people. While communal society is good (western world is realizing now that it takes a village to raise a child) the danger is that the community do not let the newly wed to blend before they interfere, infact there is the unwritten but often spoken about rule that your loyalty should be to your parents, sisters and brothers rather than your new wife or husband.

When God was giving laws to Moses for the Israelites, He told Moses in Deuteronomy 24: 5 that a newly wed is to be exempt from war and other duties, so that he can stay home and provide comfort for his new bride. Modern statistics bear witness with this verse written thousands of years ago. Divorce rate is highest between 0-4 years of marriage, and the reason is due mainly to the blending of two viewpoints that occur at that time, as couples negotiate with each other, they think they are no longer in love (when such negotiations has nothing to do with love – love is a decision not a feeling). That is why I advise, newly wed to wait at least for a year before they bring a child into their relationship, so they’ll have the time to blend as the bible advised years ago.

It is also my observation that in the African culture, a good wife is one that adapts to what the mother-in-law says; if she disagrees with the mother-in-law then she is bad. For some strange reasons mothers-in-laws want the new wife to behave like them the first day she marries their son, forgetting that the girl has had twenty-something years of behaving differently as trained by her own parents and that she is not married to them but to their son. And whatever problem she has, is her husbands cup of tea.

Let me suggest to parents here (especially Christian parents) that, when culture clashes with the word of God, please choose the word of God. Do not tell your children that you are more important than the new husband or new wife, when clearly the Bible says, for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be “glued” to his wife and two shall become one.

Financial Influence   

Most newly wed would not have the same standard of living they had when they lived at home. For most of us parents, it has taken 30 years to pay off the mortgage, pay off the school loan and save up to but the Mercedes and a big 5 bedroom house. Young men and women, even if they earn six figures would not have the resources their parents have.

Most kids however, want to live the same lifestyle they are used to at their parents home, so they either get into debt over their head or go home to ask from Mom and Dad, when you ask for money from your parents, you are submitting your financial freedom back to them, especially if you do it very often. It is very natural that when you ask for money more than once from someone that the person wants to see your financial details and tell you how to spend money. If you have parents or in-laws that have been blessed financially, don’t ask often, limit your asking to serious needs and don’t accept conditions that would cause problem between you and your spouse.

As parents, we need to be careful in how we use our resources to control the homes of our children. Dangling or promising money when we know they don’t have because we want them to do what we want, even if their spouse does not agree is wrong. Because you employ your son-in-law does not mean you tell him what to do at his home, you have the right to tell him what to do at work. Let the blessing of God on your life be just that, a blessing and not a curse that keeps your kids away from you.

Raising Kids

In many years of being a “prison clergy volunteer” and a “lay marriage counselor”, I have come across a few couples who have banished grandparents from seeing their grandchildren for many reasons, sometimes; it is because of the grandparents being on drugs, sometimes it is based on disagreement between parents and son-in-law, and sometimes for differences in religious beliefs. I saw a car sticker that says “grandchildren are a gift from God to grandparents for not killing their children”. It is always difficult when as grandparents you don’t see your grandchildren for whatever reasons.

As grandparents we need to respects the view of the parents (we’ve had our own share), even if you disagree with the way they are raising their kids, the best you can do is offer advise and be on your knees praying for them and if you have the resources, offer to send the kids to camps (Christian camps like Kanakuk Kamps) for the summer.

While I’m sure I could think of more issues that causes in-laws problems, I’ll stop here for now and offer the following as solutions.

Setting boundaries

There is a Yoruba proverb that says “togiri o ba lanu, alangba o le wo le” (if there is no crack on the wall, the lizard/gecko cannot get in).

Parents wanting the best for their child and curious about how their daughter is doing as a newly-wed or unhappy wife would want to know what is going on. If the girl is the type that was close to her parents, she would call them and share everything about what is going on, most guys I know don’t like that and very soon, they stop sharing with the wife as a way of stopping the in-laws from knowing what is going on, this in turn would start a new problem called “lack of communication”.

As married folk, sit down and set boundaries for both sets of parents and families. What you will tell and what you will not tell, where you will spend holidays, where you will go with them and where you will not go with them, let the boundaries be as clear as possible.

Realize that if you marry into a family that is closely knitted, your boundaries would be tested to the limit, be committed and be consistent with your boundaries. Boundaries can be tested by crying and other emotional methods, or sometimes by direct physical approach, as long as both of you are on the same page, you’ll be fine and would be respected eventually.

Dealing with disagreements

Disagreements are bound to happen between the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. It could be that the wife does not know how to cook as mama cooks, or she does not know how to take care of the new born as it was done in the olden days. Sometimes, a wife is down right rude (stop that ASAP). Whatever, the disagreement, the husband and wife, should come together, agree on their standpoint (debate the issue until you both believe in it) and each person should face their side of the family.

Husbands should face his family while the wife should face her family, do not send your husband to your family or your wife to your family. When issues heat up, words can be said that would be difficult to erase if it was said by a son-in-law or daughter-in-law. My mom loves my wife dearly, but there are some things that I have said to her as her son, that I can’t imagine my wife saying to her, the same way I cannot say some things to my father-in-law as my wife would say it (I know he loves me as well), because of how it would be received.

May I at this point encourage my African brothers that it is okay to say NO to your parents, if you and your wife agree on an issue? I have found a great reluctance on the part of men to share their view point with their parents, it seems like been scared to me.

What is important here is that, the husband and wife need to believe in what you both decide, if the decision is just the husbands, it going to be difficult for the wife to convince her family that they should back off.

Watch your communication during conflicts

Husband and wife are going to have problems, so say the Bible in 1 Corinthians 7: 28, and in my experience, problems occur in marriages of many years from 0 to 50 years anniversary.

When problems occur, do not involve your in-laws in the solutions, your best bet is your pastor, imam, lay or professional counselor (caution: please notify your family if there is physical abuse in your relationship or extreme emotional abuse such as isolation from the world). Parents-in-law might not be able to take an objective stand even if they have the best intentions, they would either take the side of their child or feel ashamed at what their child has just done. When you present your husband or wife as doormat, your family would walk all over him/her, but when you present them as a prince or princess, they would be treated as such. If with every problem, you run to your mom or sisters, your husband would soon be seen as a useless good for nothing man who can’t take care of his own.       

It is not my intention that we should abandon the benefit of extended family, but to make it a healthy one by setting real and objective boundaries that applies to both families and not just one of the families. That husband and wife become one and in their oneness let the world see that in-spite of their difficulties they are able to keep external influences away from their affairs, except requested help. That parents see their roles as advisors rather than directors, once the kids gets married, they should learn to relate to their children now as adults rather than the chubby five year old playing soccer or the eleven year old cutie in training bra.

May God help us as we all continue in this journey?

Femi Awodele