This is a topic that is a taboo and rarely talked about, yet it causes huge problems at home. I’m sure some people reading this article in such an open forum would wonder why I choose to write on it. My intention is to seek the truth about sex and hopefully help bring healing to many homes that would not discuss their sex problems with anyone, so put on your seat belt and let’s go.
The word sex and the act of sex, has been perverted by the devil, and we have ceded the know how of sex to whatever Hollywood depicts in their movies.
For this article, I will discuss sex from three perspective, Biblically, Physically and Emotionally.
Bible on Sex
Sex is Holy and is a gift from God to Humans, even though we Christians think the Holy Spirit stay outside our door when we are having sex, and then comes in when we are done.
According to the Bible, sex is a good thing as long as it is done within the boundaries of marriage and it is between a married man and woman. Any other sexual encounter such as pre-marriage sex, sex with another married person other than one’s spouse, homosexuality etc (as Christians we judge homosexuality more than fornication or adultery – they are both sins before God) are perversion of God’s intention for sexual relationship.
As far as I can tell scripturally, there are two reasons why God created sex, the first is for PROCREATION (Genesis 1: 28 among others) and secondly, for RECREATION (Proverbs 5: 18-19 among others). Procreation is having sex for the purposes of having children while recreational sex breeds intimacy in the relationship without the pressure of having children. The most popular sex verse(s) in the Bible was written by Apostle Paul, 1 Corinthians 7: 3-5 “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control”. There are a few deductions from the above verses
- Sex should be between a married man and woman
- The husband and wife are one and should see their bodies as such
- Sex should not be held from each other, except by mutual consent and mainly for the purpose of prayer
- The time of separation from sex, should not last for too long lest it cause one or both party to be tempted.
Many homes go against the above guidelines on a daily basis. Men and women are having adulterous relationships; women are holding up sex from the man as a weapon to get what they want and many still are using prayer and fasting to get away from the husband or wife.
King Solomon wrote a fascinating story about himself and his beloved. In the book of Songs of Songs, he wrote how he met her – she was a worker in his vineyard, how she was brought into the palace and prepared for the king. In chapter three, how they got married and in chapter four, how the marriage was consummated (this forum would not be the place for me to expand on chapter four – I do it at conferences). The process of them consummating the marriage was well documented by King Solomon and it is a lesson for us on how to have passionate love making (King Solomon should know, he had a thousand women). Let me recommend “The Songs of Solomon’s book by Tommy Nelson” for this topic.
Sex as a physical act
Men and women are wired differently by God, most men see sex from the physical stand point while sex to most women is an emotional act (there are exceptions to this rule – e.g. hormonal imbalance).
Having sex is a physical act that needs explanation and from my experience it gets better as the years come along. I tell couples getting into marriage not to use their honeymoon as a yardstick of what sex would be in their marriage.
The first thing every person need to know is to understand the body of their spouse, for example men need to know their wife’s menstrual cycle, as it contribute greatly to the act of sex in their marriage, the beginning of the cycle, the ovulation period, the withdrawal of estrogen and the periods in between. The virginal walls are naturally moist during ovulation and this is the only time most women would initiate sex (either directly or indirectly), the other times, the wall is dry and sex is very uncomfortable for women, you can use “KY jelly” at such times (some use Vaseline, it does not have the same effect but it’s still an alternative). When the virginal wall is dry some men also have bruise on their penis, which makes sex less interesting.
Men are physical creation and the demand for sex varies with age. The sexual peak of a man is late twenties and the desire slowly decrease (there could be other reasons for decrease in sexual desires), while the sexual peak of a woman is said to be in the late forties to early fifties.
Sex should not be a boring period/time in your marriage, it should be something you both look forward to, make it exciting by changing love-making rooms in your house (not when the kids are home), or change position or styles that best suite both of you (many people are stuck on the missionary style). Make “quickie” a part of your life – that is the quick sex that comes with glow in both your eyes as you head out of the door. When you fall into a routine, I call it “having sex” this could be boring, especially if the process itself is routine (you touch the left breast and then you penetrate and then go to sleep). The third type is “making love” – this is when the woman is ovulating, she wants the background music (pick your choice – Barry White or T.D. Jakes), she wants the bubble bath and other romantic stuff. By the way, romantic foreplay has been determined to extend the time of sex. It is a fact of science that women, can have multiple orgasm in one sexual encounter while we men can only have orgasm once. I personally do not recommend sex during menstruation because of hygiene (but that does not mean you can’t touch your wife – I’ve been guilty of sub-consciously not touching my wife at this time of the month).
Do not bring in pornographic materials such as video, magazine etc to enhance your love-making, these materials are “addictive” and could cause serious problems afterwards, as many men now compare their wives to these women in the magazine or in the movie or women have fantasy of what they just saw. There are materials that can help and are not addictive, Tim and Beverly LaHaye, Cliff and Joyce Penner are both Christians couples that have written bestsellers on the know how of sex (another classic author on this subject is Dr. Ed Wheat).
Sex as an act of the Emotion
Dr. Kevin Lehman wrote a book titled “Sex begins in the kitchen” what he was suggesting in his book is something that has been scientifically proven and Apostle Peter (1 Peter 3: 7a) actually mentioned two thousand years ago. While sex is emotional to both men and women, it is more emotional to the woman, in-fact many experts agree that the best way to make love to a woman is through her mind.
The dominant hormone in a woman is “estrogen” this hormone regulates emotions (among other functions); also most women use the right hemisphere of their brain, which houses the emotional part of our system. The hormone and brain function are two main attribute that lend credence to the importance of feeding into a woman’s emotion before making love to her. In a study released by Rutgers University (the national marriage project) some years back, a woman who is emotionally fed by her husband all day, with phone calls, flowers, nice e-cards etc alluding to sex later that day, are found to be naturally moist (you don’t need KY jelly), even when they should not be according to their cycle. You do not yell at your wife all day, and say sorry at 7.00pm because you want to have sex at 8.00pm and then expect her to be a willing participant (she might because, she wants to fulfill her duty, but it will be boring).
Sex also enhances a man’s self esteem. When women say NO to their husband, it takes something away from the man. I tell my wife, that she when she says no, she should give me some minute to get over her saying no, but I will get over it. I have also tried to be considerate, when my wife’s day is busy at work, I don’t ask for sex (except she initiates, by the way it is okay for the wife to initiate sex). If I am thinking sex, I get the kids to bed early and do the stuff that could be an excuse for her not to come upstairs. More importantly, I try to create a good atmosphere, because a bad mood will kill sexual desire or make the sex tasteless even if we went ahead with the love-making. Women, need to understand that as they are emotional creation, men are physical creation, while they need emotional feeding and romantic moods, the man does not – he gets turned on with you in your night gown or you touching his him (romantically – real or perceived) on your way to the kitchen.
It is important that your sexual lives do not become topic of discussion with friends and colleagues. If there is a desire problem or ED (erectile dysfunction), please see your primary physician for referral to a specialist if they cannot help you. It is okay to talk to each other about your sexual desire (everybody know you are having sex – you have kids), tell your husband where to touch and where not to touch on your body, the same way the husband should be free to tell the wife what he’ll appreciate from her to make him enjoy sex.
Among the questions I get the most is oral sex. Many people have said the Bible is against oral sex, I however cannot find the Bible reference. My personal opinion in this regard is that the couple involved should consider the hygiene and the risk of contacting a disease through oral sex. If they feel comfortable on both issues, then it is their choice.
As we thank God for the many blessings in our lives, health, finance, children etc I believe also that it is appropriate to thank God for the wonderful gift of sex in our marriage after each session of love-making. Femi Awodele