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Two years ago when my older boy was eight years old, he came to us (Ola and I) and ask where babies come from, I handed him a book to read (my wife had bought a book that explained sex to kids – the book is part of a series that explain sex according to the child’s age, from ages 5 to 13). After reading the book for about two days, he came and ask us again where babies come from (that book for ages 5-8 did not explain that, it highlighted body parts), facing me this time (mom willingly deferred the opportunity to explain it to me) I told him babies come from “bum bum”. This young man happens to be very curious and has watched many episodes of discovery channel’s “having babies” with us. Not quite convinced, he accepted my explanation, my wife later told me that, our son ask her why God would allow babies to come from where “poop” came from? I work from home when not on the road and my office is in our basement, while the open area of the basement is our kids play area as well (no toys allowed upstairs, but the basement is their territory), with my door open I could hear my boys conversation and what they are watching on TV. On this particular day, about a year after our first sex talk, two of his friends came over and they were playing games in the basement, while I work in the office. Somehow, I heard their conversation change to where babies come from, I stopped what I was doing, then I heard my son say to his brother and friends that “I know where babies come from - they come from Virginia (the state)”. I gently closed my office door hoping that they will not come to me for confirmation. When Ola (my wife) came back from work that day, I told her what happened that afternoon and she suggested I have a conversation with him, I was scared to death and planned a strategy of when and how to do it. I had always planned to take my boys to a father/son camp when they are twelve for some father and son bonding – perhaps out of postponing the inevitable, I sold myself that idea. A month after this conversation, I was invited by the “home-schoolers” in our church to speak to their teenagers. Knowing that my son was not in that age category, I had him accompany me to the event, where I spoke about, “peer pressure”, “drugs” and “teenage sexuality”. On our way home, I ask if he learned anything, his answers were “yes” and “no” all the way home. Thinking I’m out of this sex talk for another two years till he turns twelve, the issue was again brought up by my wife, that he is curious about the rapid changes in his body. Then last week Sunday, my wife and an aunt convinced me to bring up my calendar of talking sex with him, because he is very smart, way ahead in his developments both physically and mentally (not just a father’s boast) and also that when he gets to the age I’m waiting for, I might not be “cool” enough for him to talk to about the subject, so I succumbed. Some things where very important to me (especially having taught at a juvenile detention center in New Jersey for four years), I promised that my kids would be my friends and be close enough that they can talk to me on any and on all issues, also that I would be the first to tell them about important issues in life (basically principles of life) especially sex, because what they hear first is very important. So I started to scheme on how to bring up the issue before I travel for two weeks (out of the country for conferences). I finally had the courage this morning (when this article was written). I called him up to my room and started to ask what are the differences between the boys and girls in his class, now that they are going to middle school (middle school in his Christian school is grades 5-8), he told me about the changes in his body and some other stuff, we danced around the issue for a while, he never maintained eye contact with me (very unusual of him), so I asked him to tell him what he knew about sex, he told me what he knew and I saw the reluctance in him to continue. So we made a deal, that when he start to talk discuss the subject either in school or with his friends, I would be the first person he’ll talk to for clarification and for what the Bible says on the subject – we made the deal and he left. This morning was the most awkward 10 minute I’ve spent with my son but I’m glad we did have the conversation and I still look forward to telling him about what to expect in his body physically and emotionally as a teenager. I know many parents reading this article have teenagers that are ready for such talk and are wondering what to do. Let me encourage you to talk with your kids, let them hear about sex from you rather than from school or from friends. What they hear from school most times do not line up with Biblical principles (they teach them how to use condoms instead of how to stay pure) and what they hear from their friends is a third party narration which is usually very faulty. I encourage dad to talk to their boys and mom to talk to the girls, if you are a single parent and you don’t feel up to talking with your son or daughter, look for a godly friend of the same sex to talk to them. A lot is happening to them as they become teenagers and without someone explaining what’s happen, the situation could drive them crazy, if you don’t do the explanation, someone else will. Let them understand the hormonal surge in their body, how the surge affect the physical development and emotional development. Tell the girls about what menstrual cycle is and what they should expect and let the boys know that they would have involuntary “emissions” at night (I remember going through that and thinking I’m sinning against God). It is very important that they understand what the Bible say about sex, that it is strictly for the marriage institution, show them verses, let them read it from their own bible, and let them know that if they engage in pre-marriage sex one of the following might occur - STDs (Sexually Transmitted Diseases)
Syphilis Herpes simplex virus Gonorrhea Genital warts AIDS Hepatitis B Chlamydia - Risk of unwanted pregnancies or babies
- Psychological consequences
- Pre-marital sex is a myth
There is no sex prevention material that is 100%, not condoms, nor pills (Abstinence is the only 100% guide against pregnancy). - Distorts good relationship
- The woman becomes damaged goods that is now passed around or talked about among the boys.
- It is a sin against God (the wages of sin is death)
And tell the how to keep sexual purity - Have a chastity covenant with you as parents and with God
- Avoid single dates or blind dates
- Avoid physical contact that arouses sexual feelings e.g. kissing, holding hands etc
- Avoid alcohol, drugs, bad group, dressing etc that could lead to rape
- When you have an opposite sex friend that is becoming a freak, or tells raunchy jokes get rid of him/her
- Set limits for your friends especially if you have feelings for them.
Finally, here are other suggestions for teenage parents - Maintain the principles of a strong family
- Spirituality - Commitment - Appreciation and affection - Positive communication - Time together - Ability to deal with stress and crises - Your principles and values - Are you nurturing your marriage? - Are you investing too heavily in your children or your spouse? - Show genuine interest and respect for your teenager, they despise being treated like babies (or kids)
- have dates with your kids - take advantage of common interest - engage them intellectually - Know what or who influences your teenager (besides you)
- Friends - Music - Movies/TV/Video games etc - School curriculum - Ephesians 6: 4 “ Fathers, do not exasperate your children” - Think through your rules - Don’t be afraid to negotiate or stand firm when necessary - Keep them busy within reason
You are valuable to your kids and they look up to you. More importantly what you do is what they are going to do. I pray that Ola and I are able to keep within these rules when it’s our turn to parent teenagers. Femi Awodele
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