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Home Improvement Series II - Maintaining Your Marriage |
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Home Improvement Series II – Maintaining Your Marriage “Dating is for Married people, not for the unmarried” – zig Ziglar The marriage institution is one of three institution started by God himself, the others are the church and government institutions. These institution are not animated institutions, that once created survives by itself. A church needs dedicated people and money (tithes and offering) to run it while the government needs “peculiar” people and money (taxes) to run it as well. The marriage institution (the first of the three) is very unique, it’s an institution of two people, a husband (man) and a woman (wife) – any other addition is man-made and would usually cause problem for the institution. The aim of god for starting the marriage institution were - companionship (man, woman and god) – Genesis 2
- have children and raise them well – Malachi 2: 14 -15
Like the other two institutions, there are job description for the man and woman outlined by god (the creator of the institution) Ephesians 5 Joint command - 21 - submit to one another
Command to women - 22 - Honor and respect him
Command to men – 23-29 - Lead home (not boss home) – spiritually, emotionally etc
- love (agape - unconditional) wife.
- nourish wife
- cherish wife
- cover her with prayer
What we are dealing with today is the command to nourish and cherish. Nourish is taking care of what you have. My wife has always maintained a garden wince we moved to the Midwest (tomatoes, tea leaves, “ewedu”, and other stuff), she made us buy a tiller to clear the land and mulch the land every spring, she buys top-soils, she protect the garden from our dog “precious” (precious sees the garden as silk bed) and rabbits with nettings around it. When she comes back from work on weekdays and on most Saturdays she goes to the farm to water it and weed it. At the end of each season, “we” get to have a lot of tomatoes that she cans for use throughout winter. Cherishing on the other hand is taking absolute care of what you have. Most women, my wife included have properties that they cherish and use once in a while, for some it is jewelry that comes out only for very special occasions, for my wife it’s her special china that sits in the cabinet in the dinning room, in five years we have used those set of plates about five times (with two boys – some of you can guess why). To nourish and cherish each other as husband and wife is like a car that gets its oil change, tune-up, tire rotation and other stuff changed at the right time. There are five levels of intimacies that we need to maintain as a couple - Spiritual intimacy – many studies have shown that families that participate actively in a religion do better together and with raising their kids. As husband and wife (one unit) we need to be spiritually connected – pray together daily, share your views of what you read in the bible (quran, torah) with each other.
- Intellectual intimacy – when couples relate with each other on current affairs, on technical issues – without one spouse thinking the other one is too stupid to understand. I have learnt a lot of medical terms and I also read a lot of medical journals (especially medical economics) so I can communicate better with my wife.
- Emotional intimacy – when you empathize with your spouse instead of sympathizing with him/her. Relate your feeling instead of explaining it. This intimacy level is very important to women as they are created or wired by God to be emotional (see studies on hormones and brain functions).
- Physical intimacy – just as women were wired as emotional creation, men are wired as analytical and physical being. While men like being pampered, it’s usually not a criterion for sexual intimacy. A man do get over issues faster – he’ll say sorry and would be ready for action in two minute, why that sorry will take effect in the woman’s vocab., by the next day (with no issues causing problem).
- Social intimacy – The best way to know someone is to spend time with them, go for functions together, like the kids soccer, bible studies, some social parties (once in a while take a break from each other – but not as a norm).
To keep these levels of intimacies, which I believe is the desire of our creator and the institutor of marriage we need to do the following - communicate with each other – don’t stop talking because you don’t like how he/she react to you, find a nice time and say what you want to say in love. Talking in love means, endearing the person and sharing how you feel instead of condemning the other person.
When angry with your spouse, be very quick to forgive, one very critical point that has helped ola and I, is that we both realized that we might not like what the other person is doing but we know that they have good intentions. It also helps to know that the bible say that we must forgive or else, god will not forgive us or answer our prayer. - Celebrate important occasions – don’t forget birthdays, valentine, mother’s day, father’s day (even if you think that they are materialistic – you don’t have to spend a lot of money).
- Have weekly dates, just the two of you – have your friends watch the kids, get a baby-sitter or have grandma watch them. Weekly date is not sex dates, it’s a time to dream about the future together or deal with tough issues.
- remind each other of your love daily – write notes in each other’s bags, send e-cards (they are cheap), send real cards, send flowers or better still say it (women: it’s somehow for us guys to say I love you daily, it makes us feel we are not serious or that we are repeating ourselves – so please accept it weekly and I assure it’s sincere).
- Romantic get-away – I particularly love this one. A weekend away with my wife without the kids is heaven on earth, not necessarily for sex, but for the lounging.
- Laugh together – the bible and scientist have repeatedly said laughter is good medicine, make sure there is fun in your home, even when there is conflict. One thing god taught me in the past year is that, “the peace of god is not the absence of problems, but a relaxed heart/mind in the midst of it” as Christians we know that god makes all circumstances work for our good. If the situation is something you can do something about – prayer would not help you, just do it (e.g. forgiving somebody).
The following things will “hinder” your marriage becoming intimate; do your best to avoid them. - Lying
- ambiguity
- Adultery
- Selfishness
- lack of communication
- lack of trust
- unforgiveness
Below are top ten romantic things I shared recently at a valentine banquet. Ten Romantic things to do for your Husband 1. Recognize his need and desire for sex. 2. Recognize that spontaneous talking is not strength for men, so schedule time to be alone so you both can talk. 3. Remember to praise the good things he’s done and not nag him on his faults. 4. Plan to spend time alone with him with no kids disturbing. Plan regular get-away. 5. Physical attributes and smell are important to men, so entice him with nice perfumes and nightgowns and please don’t bring up issues that are not relevant during sex. 6. Communicate exactly how you feel to him; don’t make him guess what you want or how you feel. 7. Know his love language and do it, in spite of what he does or do not do to you. 8. When he returns from work, let him eat and relax for a while before engaging him in any form of conversation. 9. Recognize what he likes to do, e.g. watching sports program or working in the garage or golfing etc, do them with him, he’ll appreciate it. 10. Don’t tell him what to do, always suggest things to him. (If you tell him what to do, he’ll see you as another mother, which is not good for a males ego) Ten Romantic things to do for your Wife 1. Recognize that she is an emotional creature. 2. Seek to fulfill her emotionally, by communicating your feelings to her, affirming your love for her daily and listening to her when sharing her feelings with you. 3. Surprise her with spontaneous act of romance like get-away, flowers, cards, washing her car, washing dishes, planning for her to be alone for a whole day and other things she likes. 4. Affirm and declare you love for her in public places. (Amongst her friends, at her job, in front of the kids, in church etc). 5. Remember sex is more emotional than a physical attribute for her, prepare her emotionally (saying and doing romantic things all day) and relax, engage in long romantic foreplays before sex (music, bubble baths etc) · p.s. she might not like that all the time 6. Know her love language and do it, in spite of how you feel towards her, either good or bad. 7. Agree to Non-Sexual Touch (touching, hugging, snuggling, holding hands and sleeping close to each other watching a movie. 8. Invest in her dream; encourage your wife to do the things that she loves the most. 9. Don’t judge her feelings. (Remember individual feelings are neither right nor wrong – they are just feelings) 10. Be a leader in your home, don’t leave the leading up to your wife. Happy father’ day to all Femi Awodele
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